Moving In With a Partner Who Has Kids

In this post, you can expect to find:

• What is the Difference Between a Blended Family and a Stepfamily?
• Positive Ways to Describe Stepfamily
• What are the Advantages of Living as a Stepfamily?
• What are the Disadvantages of Living as a Stepfamily?
• Deciding to Live Together as a Stepfamily
• When to Move In When Your Partner Has Kids
• Tips for Living Together as a Stepfamily
• Tips for Moving In With a Partner and Their Kids

There comes a time in most relationships when the subject of moving in together comes up.

If neither of you has kids from a previous relationship then the decision, after careful consideration, can be an easy one with few complications.

However, when you or your partner have kids from a previous relationship, then the situation becomes a whole lot messier.

There are many successful and very happy step-families, but equally, many find the transition to living in a blended family or a stepfamily a very difficult one.

Moving in with a partner who has kids, especially if you have none yourself, is a huge lifestyle change and will take some very serious thinking about.

This is a huge and complex subject filled with plenty of unknowns and variables. Here we will do our best to answer all of your questions, with answers from not only family experts but from our own experiences.

What is the Difference Between a Blended Family and a Stepfamily?

Commonly, people will use both terms to essentially mean the same thing, two single-parent families merging to form one family unit. But there is a difference between a blended and a stepfamily:

What is considered a blended family?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a blended family as “a family that consists of two adults, the child or children that they have had together, and one or more children that they have had with previous partners”

What is considered a Stepfamily?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a stepfamily as “a family that is formed by two people and the child or children of one or both of them from a previous relationship”

Positive Ways to Describe Stepfamily or a Blended Family

The word ‘Step’ derives from the Anglo-Saxon term meaning orphaned, lost, or bereaved as a child.

Whilst that may be the case for some families, it is still not a very endearing term.

Even just the term ‘Step’ seems very negative, implying keeping at a distance, almost like at arm’s length, inferring there is you and then the ‘family’.

Although stepfamilies are very common these days, using that term could have a detrimental effect on the children, and you will want the family to feel like a united family unit.

Equally the term ‘blended’ does not conjure up an image of a loving, united family.

When you are looking to create a new loving family, the terms ‘step’ or ‘blended’ do not seem appropriate.

The term ‘bonus’ is now widely used to replace ‘step’ which is far more positive and inclusive. A bonus makes you think of something good, extra, or more.

• Bonus Family
• Bonus Parent
• Bonus Son
• Bonus Daughter
• Bonus Children
• Bonus Mum
• Bonus Dad

So whilst here we will use the term ‘step’ because it is more common, the term ‘bonus’ is gaining in popularity and is fast becoming the mainstream way to describe stepfamilies.

You may also like to read: The Bright Side of Moving Home in which we will at all the positive aspects of moving home and how beneficial it can be.

Read on to discover the pros and cons of living as a stepfamily.

What are the Advantages of Living as a Stepfamily?

It will obviously depend on the individuals within the family and their circumstances as to what benefits there are of living in a stepfamily.

Here are some very general advantages of living as a stepfamily, it very much depends on how messy the end of the children’s parents’ relationship was, how long ago that was, how that affected the children, and crucially, the ages of the children.

 It is generally the children who stand to gain the most from being part of a stepfamily, but as a single parent, creating a stepfamily can also make a lot of sense.

#1 Financial Security

With two wages going into the family budget, you will be more financially secure and you should all enjoy a far better quality of life.

#2 Emotional Support

Not only will you and your partner be able to emotionally support each other, but the children will benefit from having another source of emotional support too. And because one of the adults is outside of the biological family they will likely have different views and experiences which will add another dimension to the support the children receive.

#3 Physical Support

Your partner will benefit from the shared load of everyday life. Whether that is household chores or running the kids around, a second pair of hands is always welcome.

#4 A New Start

Moving into a stepfamily will be a new beginning for you all. Often a change of home or dynamics within the family can help heal old wounds, be an opportunity to create wonderful new memories, and an increase in quality of life and happiness for everyone.

#5 Stable Home Life

Having a loving couple as parents and a stable home life is vitally important for children. With the added financial security, a solid family unit, and the support they need, the kids should thrive and you will all enjoy a far better quality of life.

#6 A Role Model

Not only as individual adults, but as a couple in a secure and happy relationship, you will give the children role models to aspire to. You will show them that not all relationships are unhappy nor that a home should be full of tension and stress.

#7 Instant Family

It may be that you are unable to have children of your own, or your ex-partner has custody of your children and you crave that complete family unit. A stepfamily will give you an instant family and fill that void you may feel you have in your life.

You may also like to read: 20 Tips for Moving Home with a Young Family. In some cases, you may all be moving into a new home, in which case this guide will be an invaluable asset in helping you transition to your new home.

Whilst you can certainly benefit from the stepfamily unit if you are the partner with kids, there are often some drawbacks for the partner with no children which we will look at next.

What are The Disadvantages of Living in a Stepfamily?

As we said before, every stepfamily is going to be different, everybody has different baggage, different perspectives, different tolerance levels, and different expectations.

So whilst the list of disadvantages of forming a stepfamily may seem negative, the failure rate of relationships within stepfamilies is high, so it makes sense to think long and hard and have a realistic view of what life in a stepfamily may be like, especially if you do not have kids of your own.

#1 Finances

If you have never had kids before then you are in for a shock as to just how much they drain your finances, no matter what their age.

Be mindful that everything is substantially more expensive when there is a family. Whether that be household bills or going for a day out.

And if you are the main breadwinner in the stepfamily it is not unusual to feel resentment as to where all your hard-earned cash is going, especially if the missing parent does not contribute financially to their Child’s upbringing.

In summary, you may find you are financing a family in which certain members may resent your presence, they may show you no respect, and you actually gain very little from the whole experience of being in a stepfamily.

#2 You Will Be An Outsider

‘My real Dad / Mum said I can!’

‘Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not my Dad / Mum!’

As a step-parent, you are the outsider and the kids will likely at some point sooner or later make you well aware of that fact.

There is the real possibility that the children will not accept you as a parental figure and may even resent your presence or blame you in some way for their parents splitting up.

It is also likely that the children will play you, your partner, and their other biological parent against each other to get their own way.

You may also experience being left out of certain decisions. Your partner and their ex may decide something regarding the children which you only find out about afterward.

So although you will be expected to be a ‘parent’ you may also be excluded from certain aspects of parenting.

And when it comes to Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or for even the smallest good deed, the other biological parent will always get the recognition whilst you are forgotten about.

Also, be mindful that your partner will always put the children before you and this often leads to resentment and conflict.

In insolation, you could probably manage the emotion this stirs within you, but for many, it is often another nail in the relationship’s coffin.

#3 You Will Have Responsibilities

Being part of any family comes with responsibilities, but if you have never been in a family situation then it pays to be aware of how much this can change your life.

You will be the one walking the streets looking for the kids because they are late coming home.

You can expect to be a taxi service, an ATM, and often a mediator, to have your plans changed at the last minute, and to have to put up with tantrums and arguments.

There is also the financial responsibility you will have towards your new family too. Your family may be relying on you financially which can be a heavy load to bear for many people.

If your partner is more submissive, more tolerant, or laid back, then it may come down to you to be responsible for disciplining the children. This can cause endless problems if you and your partner have different parenting styles so it is something to be very aware of before moving in together.

#4 Three’s A Crowd

Next, throw in an ex-partner who may be less than thrilled at their kids having another ‘parent’.

They may use the kids to make your life as hard as possible if they are vindictive and want your new relationship to fail.

Equally, they will only do the ‘nice’ things with the kids, they will not have to deal with the emotions of daily life, the dramas that you will, or be the ‘bad’ person.

The ex-partner may also not pay towards the children’s upbringing. So you get to experience all the negative aspects of family life and get to pay for the privilege too.

#5 Emotional Problems

Having to deal with their parents splitting up, a new adult being introduced into their life, and maybe even having to live in a new home, all the uncertainty and upheaval will have an emotional impact on everyone.

The children may be jealous of your presence, that your partner is giving you attention rather than them, and that you are an inconvenience and disruption to their way of life.

This could result in not only family conflict but perhaps school work deteriorating or in increased bad behaviour.

It is vitally important to consider all the stress and emotional conflict that moving in together could cause.

#6 You Gain an Instant Family

You chose to form a relationship with your partner, they are the one that you fell in love with, but as a parent, the kids come as part of the package.

As the outsider coming into the family you will not have the emotional and spiritual attachment to the children that a biological parent would have.

You may not have chosen to have the children you now have, you may have chosen to bring them up differently, to have a different outlook on life, different morals, or better manners. Many stepparents mention that this leads to a dislike for one particular child who no matter what they do, annoys you.

The biological parent will obviously defend their child, and the resulting arguments and bad feelings this creates are often the cause of many stepfamilies breaking up.

You may also like to read: How to Make Your Home More Relaxing. Any family home can be chaotic and stressful at times but it really helps if you can learn to relax and to have a place where you feel calm and relaxed. In this guide, we look at ways to make your home as relaxing and calming as possible.

Deciding to Live Together as a Stepfamily

When deciding to live together as a couple there are only yourselves to consider, if the relationship breaks down then the damage is confined to just the two of you.

But forming a relationship with someone who has kids, and then moving in with them, exposes the children to even more emotional upset should you two decide to split up.

It is a sad fact of life that there is a very high divorce rate in stepfamilies, so being absolutely sure of your decision to live together is vital.

You will have your own pros and cons list to add to the one we created above, but it should definitely be a decision made with your head and not your heart.

However, the age of your partner’s children may have a direct effect on your happiness and the success of the stepfamily as a whole.

Moving in With a Partner who has Young Children

In terms of moving into a stepfamily and building a good relationship with the children, when they are young it is probably easier.

And if the relationship with the children is good then you and your partner will have far fewer stresses and a better quality of life.

The flip side is that you must be totally committed to the long haul. Helping to raise children to become good adults is no easy undertaking, but if you can form a loving family unit early in their childhood your task will be easier.

If you are moving in with your partner who has young children you may find:

• Younger children are more trusting and accepting so you will bond with them easier
• It will be harder for an ex-partner to use the children against you as they will not be manipulated as a teenager would.
• They will still have a whole childhood ahead of them when you can create amazing family memories.
• It will be easier to decide upon a parenting style with your partner
• You can help raise the children in a positive way
• The ex-partner however may want more contact with the children or be more involved in their upbringing

Moving in With a Partner who has Teenagers

This is probably the best and worst-case scenario.

Being a teenager is a confusing period of your life. Your body is changing, you are neither a child nor an adult, you have a lifetime of responsibilities heading straight for you, and everything is changing at a lightning pace.

Now throw in a new adult on the scene which could stir up a whole raft of new emotions and things will inevitably get very stressful.

So if your partner has teenagers then you may find:

• If they are older teenagers then you may only have them at home for a few years before they go off to university or college.
• You are guaranteed a stressful life because of the usual teenage behaviour.
• As a new adult in the home, they may resent your presence and will make you fully aware of that.

Research by the American Psychological Association suggests that children under 10 years old have the easiest time accepting stepfamily life, children between 10 to 14 years old have the most difficulty accepting stepfamily life, whilst older teenagers are indifferent as they are forging their own identity and life.  

There is no magic formula that dictates the best time to move in with your partner and their children but next, we look at ways to transition from the relationship stage to the living together stage.

When to Move In When Your Partner Has Kids

The overriding factor when deciding to move in together will be the children and the effect it will have upon them.

It is best to take things really slowly, gradually introducing your partner into the kid’s life so that they get to know them and get used to having them around.

This is also an important time for your partner if they do not have their own kids. They will get to experience what life is like having kids around and whether that is something they really want.

It would be a good idea for the partner with no kids to experience what real life is like having kids around, so whilst going and doing fun things is nice for the kids, make sure that they are around for the mundane things too.

Then have a night where they stay over, then a few weeks later another night.

Slowly introduce their things into your home, leaving a change of clothes for example so that the kids get used to seeing your partner’s things around the home.

Over a long period of time extend the one night to two. Spend longer and longer with the kids so that they really get to know your partner.

Then come moving in day it will not be such a massive deal for the kids.

It is crucial not to rush into living together as the shock to the children could be emotionally damaging for them. Take your time to bond as a family, to decide if that is what you all really want and whether you think it really is the right thing to do.

You may also like to read: How to Avoid Culture Shock When Moving Home. Moving home is an emotional minefield. It may be that not only are you about to become part of a family unit, but you may be moving to a different area or even a different part of the country. Not only will you have all the emotions of your new life, living together in a new relationship, and having kids around, but also the culture shock of moving to an unfamiliar place. This guide will help you avoid culture shock and make the transition to your new life so much easier.

Tips for Living Together as a Stepfamily

In a perfect world, and it does happen, you will join your new family and will fit in seamlessly. You will all become a united and loving family who creates wonderful memories and have a great life together.

Of course, there will be highs and lows, and every family experiences them, but the success of your stepfamily relationship will depend a lot upon how realistic you are about family life and what that entails.

Being a step-parent is definitely not easy, being a parent is not easy full stop, but establishing some ground rules and boundaries will help get you off to the best start possible.

#1 Communicate

Open and honest communication is vital within any family. But when you are creating a stepfamily, when you are learning to live with a new partner, when the kids have a new adult around, maybe even having moved to a new home, then communication is even more important.

You and your new partner must be honest with each other as to what you expect of each other and how you envisage the household to run and how you will nurture your relationship.

It is obviously important to talk to and give attention to the children, but you and your partner also have to work at keeping your relationship alive. Make some time for a date night or at least some alone time.

Explain to the kids how things will change but also how other things will remain just the same. Highlight all the positive aspects of you all living together but acknowledge that you know it will also be strange and difficult for them.

Always be available to make time for the children, to listen, and honestly discuss their issues.

They will need reassurance that your feelings for them have not changed, that they will always be your number 1 priority but also that throughout life things will change and that is how we become better people.

Sometimes it may be difficult to have a conversation about a certain event, certain feelings, or certain issues that arise. However, it is almost always better to bring the topic out into the open, have a discussion, and find a resolution, or compromise, rather than let bad feelings or uncertainty gnaw away.

#2 Take Time to Bond

As we mentioned earlier, don’t rush things. It will take time for the kids to accept your new partner being around, it will take time for the childless partner to get used to having kids around, and it will take time for you and your partner to adjust to living together.

Try to organise ‘team building’ events such as camping, where all the family has to work together to get the campsite set up, light a campfire, or learn to cook camp food. Not only will it be fun but everyone will learn to work together, learn new skills, and learn that you must work as a team to get the best results.

Or perhaps have an area of the garden where you create a new area that the kids have responsibility for. You can all work together to set it up as a team and then over the years watch the area develop and grow, just as your new family will.

#3 Define Roles

One of the biggest areas of conflict within stepfamilies is parenting styles and discipline. In most cases, it makes sense for the biological parent to be the disciplinarian, and the stepparent to offer support to both their partner and the kids.

The main thing is consistency so that the kids know exactly what the rules are and what consequences there are.

Whilst you may be able to set those rules and enforce them in your home, the problem is usually that the absent biological parent will have different rules and even use rule-breaking as a weapon against you and your new partner.

If you can all be on the same page and be consistent with discipline and rules then it will be easier and fairer on the kids.

If you have been a one-parent family for a while then it may be that each family member has their tasks or chores that they do. Try not to change those roles or chores as the child may think they are being replaced by your new partner and they no longer have a defined role within the family.

#4 Plan Finances

Money always causes arguments so it is best to discuss exactly how the household budget will work. Who will pay for what, or do you split everything 50/50, or do you pool your money into one family pot?

Is one of you more financially responsible than the other? What do you agree is a sensible amount for the children’s pocket money?

It is best to plan exactly how your household finances will operate before you move in together.

#5 Keep Calm and Carry On

It is almost a certainty that life is going to be unsettled, strange, and even strained for the first few years as everyone gets used to living together.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but parts of it were. Take one day at a time, each step will help forge closer bonds, trust, and eventually even maybe love.

There will be good and bad days but the trick is not to lose sight of the fact that every family has issues, it is how you respond and handle those situations that determines whether you all come out the other side as a cohesive family unit.

If you want this relationship to work, if you really want to be part of the family, then keep persevering, keep on track and never give up. 

It is going to take patience and resilience to create the loving family that you are all striving for.

Must-do: Visit our home moving blog to find lots of useful information about how to make your home move easier, cheaper, and safer.

Tips for Moving In With a Partner and Their Kids

So now we are at the stage where you have a plan, everyone knows what that plan is, it has been discussed, and agreed upon, and now it is time to actually move in.

It could be that you merging two households in which case you need to decide what to keep and what to get rid of.

#1 Inventory

Sit down and make an inventory of things you both have so that you can identify duplicates.

There is little point in having 2 kettles, 2 microwaves, and 2 sets of saucepans.

If you are thinking of moving any pieces of furniture from one home to the other measure them to ensure that they will fit into the new home.

Must read: How to Create a Floor Plan. In this guide is some essential information on how to measure furniture, doorways, and passageways so that you know any furniture you are moving is going to be able to be maneuvered out of your old home and into your new home easily and safely.

#2 Declutter

Now you have decided what each of you is keeping or getting rid of, it is time to declutter both homes. This will create space in the home you are moving into and will make moving costs cheaper in the home you are moving out of.

The more ruthless you are during this process the greater the benefits you will get from the process.

Must read: The Epic Guide to Decluttering for a Home Move in which we go through the whole process of decluttering from how to handle the emotional fallout to how to declutter in an easy and logical way.

#3 Decide How You Are Going to Move Home

If you are just moving clothes into the new home then you will likely be moving yourself without the need to hire a removal company.

But if you are moving furniture and heavy appliances it is almost always more sensible to hire a good removal company to move you.

Plan on moving over several days, moving things into the new home over a number of days or weeks. This makes the whole moving process less stressful and gives you plenty of time on the final day of your lease or sale of your home to ensure it is nice and clean for the new occupiers.

You may like to read: The Pros and Cons of Moving by Yourself vs Hiring a Good Removal Company in which we look at the best ways to move home based on the size and complexity of your move.

#4 Celebrate A New Life

If you have slowly moved your things and have only heavy and large furniture to move on moving day then they will be plenty of time to celebrate your new life together.

So once the removal team has left plan a celebration, and make it an event that the children will remember, and can identify as an important moment in their life.

There are no guarantees in life, a biological family can be no easier or harder to be a part of than a stepfamily.

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula to ensure your new relationship and family are going to be successful.

But to stack the odds in your favour and give the best shot at this working there are two things that are crucial:

#1 Take your time

#2 Communicate

We wish you all the success in your new life with a new family and a lifetime of memory-making.