What to do When Your Spouse Wants to Move Home and You Don’t
“Sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of the one you love is by far the truest type of love.” Unknown.
Sacrificing a documentary you really want to watch so that your partner can watch their favourite soap, sacrificing a day relaxing to go shopping, these things you would gladly do. But…….
Your partner bounds through the door in a whirlwind of euphoria, “Darling, I have this fantastic new job offer in London”.
Your heart sinks, and you feel physically sick because you know what this means………yet another house move.
And you don’t want to move away from family, friends, and all that is familiar to you.
In this week’s home moving blog, we look at what your options are when one of you wants to move and the other doesn’t.
You may also like to read: What is the Fear of Moving Home and How to Overcome it. Moving home may actually be the best option for you and your partner, but you just cannot face the fear of moving home and leaving all that is familiar behind. In this guide, we look at how to overcome your fear of moving.
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Are you both committed to the relationship enough to follow the other wherever life takes you?
So what do you do when one partner or spouse wants to move, and the other doesn’t?
It is time to decide what you want or need, to do. How committed are you to your relationship? If you are in any doubt whatsoever, being at the other end of the country, without your support network, may not be a good idea. Is the fear of change the issue, or is it the fear of being isolated from family and friends, and being in a relationship that you have doubts about?
Either way, big decisions call for two-way communication, so you and your partner need to talk calmly to each other. There is no point in shouting at each other, you will achieve nothing, other than frustration and anger.
Sit down where you will not be disturbed, turn off the TV, and have a civilised conversation about the home move.
Talk about how you really feel about the home move. Phrase your feelings using statements like, “I really think this home move will be good for us because…”, and “I really do not want to move because…” rather than accusatory phrases such as “you only want to move because….”. Accusations will put your partner on the defensive.
The most important part of any communication is listening. Ensure you know exactly why your partner does not want to move, or why your partner wants to move so badly. Confirm back to your partner their statements, “you would like to move because…”, to ensure that you really do understand what has been said, and equally to show your partner that you really are being attentive to what they say. This should work both ways.
The solution to your dilemma may well mean a compromise from both of you, so be open to your partner’s suggestions.
You may also like to read: The Bright Side of Moving Home. In an effort to convince your partner that moving is a great idea, it is worth highlighting all the positive aspects of a new life in a new area. In this guide, we share 6 great reasons for moving home.
How Do I Convince My Partner to Move / Not to Move Home?
Make a pros and cons list and discuss each item together to help reach a compromise or final decision
One of the best tools you can use to weigh up the options available to you is to consider the Pros andCons of moving home, or staying where you currently live.
Do you have the money to move home? Moving home can be expensive and can you justify the expense?
Will the family benefit from a home move immediately, or is it part of a long-term plan?
Is this an emotional need to move? Do you want to move home to be closer to friends or family?
Do you not want to move so that you can stay close to family and friends?
How will the move affect your children’s education?
What are the consequences of moving or not moving?
What options do you have rather than moving home or staying put?
What are the benefits of staying or going?
There may be a thousand and one considerations from both you and your partner’s point of view.
Discuss each point in turn and don’t forget to discuss the actual location of your proposed move. Again, list all the pros and cons of staying where you are, as well as the advantages and disadvantages of moving home.
You may also like to read: How to Decide If It Is Time to Move Home or Not. In this guide, we look at how you decide whether it is time to move home or not and what the alternatives are to moving home.
I Don’t Want to Move Away
Who knows where the road will take you?
That may be how you feel emotionally, but why?
Have you given the proposed new home full and proper consideration?
Usually, it is the fear of change, the unknown, rather than a logical reason that may be fuelling your fear.
As they say, there is nothing to fear but fear itself.
Will your new home destination benefit from cheaper home prices, and therefore there is a financial benefit to moving home?
Are the schools better?
Will your spouse need to get a new job as well, or can they transfer within their current company?
What opportunities for recreation will the new area offer?
Can you easily travel back to see friends and family?
How will your quality of life improve, or suffer, as a consequence of the home move?
You may also like to read: How to Move Out of a Home You Love. Leaving a home you love is never easy but in this guide, we share ways that will make letting go of your old home and making your new home even better so much easier.
I Want to Move But my Husband / Wife Doesn’t, is There Any Way to Compromise?
Listening, really listening to your partner’s view is an essential communication skill
When you and your partner both want to live in different places, it may be that a compromise is called for.
Is it practical to live mid-point between your partner’s preferred location and yours?
Could you rent a property in your partner’s preferred area for a set period of time, and if things don’t work out, move back again?
Could your partner live near their work and you in your preferred location, your partner travelling home at weekends?
Agree to go on a fact-finding trip to the area your partner wants to move to, maybe for a weekend, just to get a feel for the area.
Is waiting a set period of time and then revisiting the question of moving home to see if you both feel the same, for example, six months later, an option?
Each of you should list the advantages and the disadvantages of moving home, and of not moving home.
It will give both of you a chance to see the other person’s point of view and demonstrate your willingness to empathise with your partner.
It may also be the catalyst that makes your partner question whether they really do want to move, or whether you really do want to stay where you are.
You may also like to read: Can Moving Home Make You Happier? Will moving home make you both happier in the long run or will you just be taking your problems with you? In this guide, we seek to help you answer that question.
I Don’t Want to Move House
…..but for health reasons, it is recommended that a move to warmer climes will be beneficial, and your partner really does want to move.
Then what do you do?
Approach this dilemma in much the same way as recommended previously, but this is far more emotionally laden and nobody can give you an easy answer as to what to do.
Only you can make that tough decision.
You may also like to read: What Are The Health Benefits of Moving Home? Moving home can be beneficial to your health in numerous ways and in this guide, we look at the more unusual health benefits and what the experts say about them.
Moving Home Can Be Stressful
Both of you will have a lot of thinking to do to find the best solution
Moving home in itself can be stressful, coupled with the fact that you or your spouse may have lingering doubts about the move home anyway, and stress levels are going to peak.
These tips will help relieve the majority of your home-moving stress.
Hire the services of a reputable removal company to pack and move your home. There is no point in loading even more stress upon yourself, and using the services of a professional removal company will alleviate the majority of the stress. Start by getting a free home removal estimate here.
Use as manyhome-moving planning tools as you can to ensure that nothing is left to chance. An essential planning tool is the Home Moving calendar and checklist, which can be found here.
Choose your home removal company carefully. This is an invaluable guide to choosing the right removal company for your home move.
Take time to learn about how to deal with the stress of moving home. This article will offer you invaluable advice on dealing with stress when moving home.
Relocation depression is something that you should be mindful of and there is a great guide here to help you deal with relocation depression.
It may be that a large proportion of your partner’s reluctance to move is the upheaval and sheer volume of work that moving home creates.
By showing you understand that aspect of your partner’s concerns, and by addressing those concerns by hiring a reputable removal company to manage your home move, they may be more willing to agree.
You may also like to read: How to Make Moving Home Less Stressful. One of the reasons your partner may not want to move is because of all the stress involved in relocating. But with the right planning and help moving does not have to be stressful. This guide explains everything you need to do for a stress-free home move.
I Really Need Someone To Talk To
At the end of the day only you can decide which direction to take
Being in a situation where one spouse or partner wants to move, and the other doesn’t want to move, is far more common than you might think.
Communicating with others in the same situation could really help you, although, at the end of the day, only you should make the decision as to what to do.
It is not a decision to take lightly, nor one that should be swayed by other people’s opinions.
Sometimes life forces us to make decisions that we would not have otherwise taken.
Another home move could take your life off in a positive direction that you never thought possible.
Equally, this could be the catalyst you need to make a decision that you knew you had to make but were not forced to, until now.
Every experience in life teaches us something, usually about ourselves.
We are all capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.
Yes, your proposed home move could mean even more time spent alone, but is that the catalyst you need to do that night class you have always wanted to do?
You may also like to read: How to Overcome Loneliness After Moving Home. If one of your concerns is that you will be lonely moving to a strange area with no support network then this guide will be invaluable reading for you.
You can use the comments box below to securely and anonymously swap stories with others who are facing the exact same dilemma as you.
You may just have the success story to help someone who desperately needs that reassurance right now. Or simply putting your thoughts down into words, could help you put everything into perspective.
Life tends to have its own plan mapped out for us, and things have a really strange way of working out for the best, despite our own interference in that plan.
Who would have thought that visiting a removal company review website could have changed your life so dramatically?
Please don’t forget to come back and let us all know how your decision panned out.
Good luck in whatever direction your life takes you.
My wife wants to move because she doesn’t like the neighbours and is stressed by them – she has wanted to move for a long time. About 5 years ago, one of the near neighbours behaved quite aggressively towards her (he is, admittedly, not pleasant); and she finds several other neighbours unpleasant. We live in a small gated close where about 10 modern (1979) terraced houses front onto a common area (the aggressive neighbour is 4 doors down from us but his house is visible from ours). My wife would like to find a Victorian or Edwardian terraced house (hence with fewer neighbours) somewhere relatively locally.
I am very anxious about moving because of the incidental costs – if we buy at the level we sell at (around £1.25m-£1.3m), we will be looking at around £64,000 stamp duty and around £16,000 estate agents’ fees – which together with solicitors’ fees and removal fees will come to not much less than £100,000. That is about 150% of my annual net salary after tax & NICs – on incidental costs alone. We are lucky not to have a mortgage, but we have high ongoing expenses including private school fees for our 5-year old and various forms of domestic assistance – basically we spend all of my salary. I am 51 and trying to build up a reasonable nest egg for retirement.
My wife assures me that she will try to find a new house for around £100,000 less than the value of our current house, but I am still very uncomfortable and really don’t want to move – we have a beautiful house with a lovely garden in a secure gated close in North London. It also seems to me that generally ‘you get what you pay for’ – in other words although we may be lucky to get a bargain on a new house, in practice this will involve moving somewhere which is either in a less nice neighbourhood or is smaller or otherwise not such a beautiful property.
This week she has told me she is going to put it on the market and has indeed signed (but not yet delivered) a contract with an estate agent. She knows I am not very happy with this, but considers that I agreed to it a few weeks ago – we had a conversation where she essentially told me she risked having a breakdown if we stay where we are.
I am in the same situation in a way except I am the one who wants to move and my wife does not. I am unhappy where we live and need some advice and someone to talk with. I live in Belfast. Thank you
I really want to move abroad but my husband doesn’t.i grew up in uae and got married in pakistan.
My husband doesn’t want to move because of his business and his family.
I want to try to understand but i can’t come to terms with it.
I think the opportunities abroad would be better for us as a family.I am an ophthalmologist and i think i could get better experience there.even though my children’s education here is good i think they would have more opportunities there.
Other compelling reasons are the beautiful scenic beauty,more to do in our free time,better lifestyle,more time to ourselves,more freedom to do what we want instead of doing what the extended family wants us to do.
I’m facing this dilemma but from the husband who is reluctant to want to move’s point of view. You may not really care for his family, or your own, but to your husband – he could be like me, where what he does he enjoys; it makes him “who he is”, and his time with family could be everything. You’re on a good start though with bringing up the “compelling reasons”. What will likely help the most is if you have a job lined up – a lot of people aren’t willing to uproot when offered the choice between hopes and dreams and being stable where they’re at.
I am in this situation now where I have been living 3000 miles away from my family for 11 years now. I don’t want to move back to my hometown but I would like to be closer to my family since my parents are aging and I have a 2 yr old and a baby on the way. As of now we cannot afford to live in a nice neighborhood with good schools renting nor buying. We have 3 years until we need to start worrying about that, however. We could definitely move to a city that is close enough to my hometown that would also offer all the amenities we have where we are now: diversity of cultures, close to a large metropolis, even better public transportation, good schools and homes in those districts that we could actually afford to buy right now, good jobs and start-up culture, more appreciation for the arts and music…I could go on and on. My husband is very reluctant to really want to compromise with me or actually discuss a realistic plan for even investigating a move (ie he does not seem agreeable to even a short term move of 2 years to check out the location and see if it is right for us). He does have a strong network of contacts here and when this pandemic is controlled things will return to normal, but for now, remote work and networking has been all he can do. These are strange and tough times, I wish we could take advantage of it in some way to explore the other options available to us. Ive been supportive of his endeavors for so many years and I just wish he could meet me where I would like to focus my happiness for just even a short period of time. (which is sharing a life with my parents again in the flesh and blood- more real physical time especially with young children).
I’m have a similar issue. My husband has been wanting to move since we bought this house 11 years ago. This was the only location we could afford back then. He now has a better job and feels like he’s ready to move to the central coast of California. We were both raised in LA so we both have all of our family here and my roots are grounded here. My kids are willing to move away if that’s what we decided. They are 13,9, and 6 years old. My eldest just asked us to move him away before he starts high school. I don’t know what to do. My dad just passed away in March of this year of cancer and I feel that I can’t and to be honest I don’t feel like I personally want to make that move. I don’t know what to do. My husband is literally miserable here in this city. I’m at a loss.
Thank you for this article. I’m literally going through this with my partner. He wants to move to Devon and I don’t want to leave the island I grew up on. We have been staying with friends for the last few weeks in Devon and everywhere we have visited I don’t see myself living there. For me the island I come from feels the most perfect place especially as we have a 2 year old. My fear of moving to the U.K. is that I will have no support, no time for myself, everything is far… he wants to leave to be closer to friends. It feels like it’s brought a massive wedge into our relationship. He doesn’t want to hear anything about why I don’t want to move. I feel like I’m not even allowed to express my feelings about it which makes me feel resentful
I’m currently going through this. My fiance and I just bought our first home in South Carolina last year. We left all of our friends and my parents behind in Chicago. My fiance just got a great job and now he is saying he wants to move back because we have no friends here. My logic is that we moved during covid which made it very hard to meet people and at this stage in our lives and relationship we shouldn’t be basing our moves on friends. What I do know is we both have jobs here, are planning a wedding here, and have a house we’ve only owned for one year. And my parents are looking forward to moving here next year to be close. Hoping this is just a phase because I’m staying here.
My husband is adamant when is moving to Cornwall. When I’m there I want to move but then when I come home I change my mind. I work and have family all here. My husband works from home and has not the support from family like I do. He is unhappy here. But it’s now been said I either go or our marriage breaks. I don’t want to lose him I love him very much. But I feel I’m the one giving everything up. Any advice would help alot
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My wife wants to move because she doesn’t like the neighbours and is stressed by them – she has wanted to move for a long time. About 5 years ago, one of the near neighbours behaved quite aggressively towards her (he is, admittedly, not pleasant); and she finds several other neighbours unpleasant. We live in a small gated close where about 10 modern (1979) terraced houses front onto a common area (the aggressive neighbour is 4 doors down from us but his house is visible from ours). My wife would like to find a Victorian or Edwardian terraced house (hence with fewer neighbours) somewhere relatively locally.
I am very anxious about moving because of the incidental costs – if we buy at the level we sell at (around £1.25m-£1.3m), we will be looking at around £64,000 stamp duty and around £16,000 estate agents’ fees – which together with solicitors’ fees and removal fees will come to not much less than £100,000. That is about 150% of my annual net salary after tax & NICs – on incidental costs alone. We are lucky not to have a mortgage, but we have high ongoing expenses including private school fees for our 5-year old and various forms of domestic assistance – basically we spend all of my salary. I am 51 and trying to build up a reasonable nest egg for retirement.
My wife assures me that she will try to find a new house for around £100,000 less than the value of our current house, but I am still very uncomfortable and really don’t want to move – we have a beautiful house with a lovely garden in a secure gated close in North London. It also seems to me that generally ‘you get what you pay for’ – in other words although we may be lucky to get a bargain on a new house, in practice this will involve moving somewhere which is either in a less nice neighbourhood or is smaller or otherwise not such a beautiful property.
This week she has told me she is going to put it on the market and has indeed signed (but not yet delivered) a contract with an estate agent. She knows I am not very happy with this, but considers that I agreed to it a few weeks ago – we had a conversation where she essentially told me she risked having a breakdown if we stay where we are.
Do you have any suggestions?
I am in the same situation in a way except I am the one who wants to move and my wife does not. I am unhappy where we live and need some advice and someone to talk with. I live in Belfast. Thank you
I really want to move abroad but my husband doesn’t.i grew up in uae and got married in pakistan.
My husband doesn’t want to move because of his business and his family.
I want to try to understand but i can’t come to terms with it.
I think the opportunities abroad would be better for us as a family.I am an ophthalmologist and i think i could get better experience there.even though my children’s education here is good i think they would have more opportunities there.
Other compelling reasons are the beautiful scenic beauty,more to do in our free time,better lifestyle,more time to ourselves,more freedom to do what we want instead of doing what the extended family wants us to do.
I’m facing this dilemma but from the husband who is reluctant to want to move’s point of view. You may not really care for his family, or your own, but to your husband – he could be like me, where what he does he enjoys; it makes him “who he is”, and his time with family could be everything. You’re on a good start though with bringing up the “compelling reasons”. What will likely help the most is if you have a job lined up – a lot of people aren’t willing to uproot when offered the choice between hopes and dreams and being stable where they’re at.
I am in this situation now where I have been living 3000 miles away from my family for 11 years now. I don’t want to move back to my hometown but I would like to be closer to my family since my parents are aging and I have a 2 yr old and a baby on the way. As of now we cannot afford to live in a nice neighborhood with good schools renting nor buying. We have 3 years until we need to start worrying about that, however. We could definitely move to a city that is close enough to my hometown that would also offer all the amenities we have where we are now: diversity of cultures, close to a large metropolis, even better public transportation, good schools and homes in those districts that we could actually afford to buy right now, good jobs and start-up culture, more appreciation for the arts and music…I could go on and on. My husband is very reluctant to really want to compromise with me or actually discuss a realistic plan for even investigating a move (ie he does not seem agreeable to even a short term move of 2 years to check out the location and see if it is right for us). He does have a strong network of contacts here and when this pandemic is controlled things will return to normal, but for now, remote work and networking has been all he can do. These are strange and tough times, I wish we could take advantage of it in some way to explore the other options available to us. Ive been supportive of his endeavors for so many years and I just wish he could meet me where I would like to focus my happiness for just even a short period of time. (which is sharing a life with my parents again in the flesh and blood- more real physical time especially with young children).
I’m have a similar issue. My husband has been wanting to move since we bought this house 11 years ago. This was the only location we could afford back then. He now has a better job and feels like he’s ready to move to the central coast of California. We were both raised in LA so we both have all of our family here and my roots are grounded here. My kids are willing to move away if that’s what we decided. They are 13,9, and 6 years old. My eldest just asked us to move him away before he starts high school. I don’t know what to do. My dad just passed away in March of this year of cancer and I feel that I can’t and to be honest I don’t feel like I personally want to make that move. I don’t know what to do. My husband is literally miserable here in this city. I’m at a loss.
Thank you for this article. I’m literally going through this with my partner. He wants to move to Devon and I don’t want to leave the island I grew up on. We have been staying with friends for the last few weeks in Devon and everywhere we have visited I don’t see myself living there. For me the island I come from feels the most perfect place especially as we have a 2 year old. My fear of moving to the U.K. is that I will have no support, no time for myself, everything is far… he wants to leave to be closer to friends. It feels like it’s brought a massive wedge into our relationship. He doesn’t want to hear anything about why I don’t want to move. I feel like I’m not even allowed to express my feelings about it which makes me feel resentful
I’m currently going through this. My fiance and I just bought our first home in South Carolina last year. We left all of our friends and my parents behind in Chicago. My fiance just got a great job and now he is saying he wants to move back because we have no friends here. My logic is that we moved during covid which made it very hard to meet people and at this stage in our lives and relationship we shouldn’t be basing our moves on friends. What I do know is we both have jobs here, are planning a wedding here, and have a house we’ve only owned for one year. And my parents are looking forward to moving here next year to be close. Hoping this is just a phase because I’m staying here.
My husband is adamant when is moving to Cornwall. When I’m there I want to move but then when I come home I change my mind. I work and have family all here. My husband works from home and has not the support from family like I do. He is unhappy here. But it’s now been said I either go or our marriage breaks. I don’t want to lose him I love him very much. But I feel I’m the one giving everything up. Any advice would help alot